• rockerface 🇺🇦@lemm.ee
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    29 days ago

    Sometimes you don’t need to fill the silence with sounds. I’d rather be in a relationship with someone that we can sit down and be quiet together

    • Trollception@sh.itjust.works
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      29 days ago

      Or you can use literal sounds instead of words. My spouse and I have this thing going on where we make this kind of squeak/baloon sound with our mouth which has the same effect as “hi, nice to see you”.

      • voracitude@lemmy.world
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        29 days ago

        Oh thank god my partner and I aren’t the only ones. Don’t get me wrong, we know and like that we’re weird, but it’s nice to have company.

      • FlihpFlorp@lemm.ee
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        29 days ago

        Me and my gf usually say Ahoozles (shortened from Anyhoozles) and just a way of saying “I want to talk to you, I just don’t know what I want to talk about

        • garbagebagel@lemmy.world
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          28 days ago

          We just say “you know…” and then the other person will either say “yep/same” or “no I don’t know” depending on the mood. And if the cat makes noise we’ll also just say “I know buddy me too”

      • gassygiant@discuss.online
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        28 days ago

        My wife and I do things in threes: three taps, three nudges, three blinks, three noises, whatever. It means “I love you”. It’s a nice way to say it when you’re too tired to say it. I think it originated when we’d say it as we were falling asleep.

      • voracitude@lemmy.world
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        29 days ago

        They did say “sometimes”, but it seems like you took that to mean “all the times”?

        • hendrik@palaver.p3x.de
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          29 days ago

          Everything is a balance and people are different anyways. I don’t know many people who like any of the extremes. But it’s a different amount for everyone. And the “partner” thing is strange anyways. As long as you’re madly in love, you probably enjoy hearing about every pea in their canteen meal. That might fade after 20 years of marriage. Or a stressful day at work. Or with kids. Or it doesn’t. Both is fine. As long as it’s consenting partners. 😆

  • Sigilos@ttrpg.network
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    29 days ago

    The key to understanding is finishing the sentence.

    “I hate small talk… with people I have no reason to talk to and don’t care about.

    I love my partner, and even when it’s small talk I can listen all day, just to hear their voice and learn a little more about them, to feel closer to the person I married in many small ways.

    But I don’t care about what Jim at the laundry mat did last weekend, or which machine he thinks makes socks dry faster.

    • variants@possumpat.io
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      29 days ago

      But small talk is what got you your wife. What if Jim can be your future if you just gave him the time

      • Dragon Rider (drag)@lemmy.nz
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        29 days ago

        Drag didn’t get drag’s dragon by doing small talk. Drag’s dragon fell in love with drag because it was impressed with drag’s magic.

        Get yourself a girlfriend by impressing her with your arcane talents.

    • adarza@lemmy.ca
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      29 days ago

      But I don’t care about what Jim at the laundry mat did last weekend, or which machine he thinks makes socks dry faster.

      tough. :) here’s what he (might have) said: it’s the 2nd and 3rd dryers from the left. the smaller ones. you also need to use the smaller ‘double load’ front-loading washers. those have an extra extract cycle and get the most water out. the dryers used to literally only cost 25c to dry most loads (an extra quarter for all denim or something), but they (new owners of the laundry) increased the minimum needed per-load to $1.50 (on top of more than doubling the washers’ prices). greedy bastards.

  • unexposedhazard@discuss.tchncs.de
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    29 days ago

    Its only “small talk” if you dont actually care about what the other person says. If you are genuinely interested, then its just a conversation. Thats how i see it at least.

    • some_guy@lemmy.sdf.org
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      29 days ago

      Yeah, this. Talking small is faking interest. I’m not good at that. But when I actually care about the other person, “what have you been up to” is meaningful. Cause I actually wanna know.

    • SpaceCowboy@lemmy.ca
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      29 days ago

      Yeah but small talk can get the ball rolling on a real conversation. It’s just a way of initiating a conversation and it’s giving an opportunity for someone to talk about things they might be interested in.

      “It’s nice day out today!” doesn’t literally mean that. It means “there’s an opportunity for us to do something outside if you’d like, but if not, perhaps you’d care to discuss something that’s important to you instead? Of course you you aren’t interested in having conversation or doing an activity, I’m perfectly fine with that too” but in a significantly more concise way. Sure you don’t really care about their opinion on the weather or whatever small talk, but it’s a completely open-ended expression of a willingness to have a conversation about something that matters to the other person. It’s opportunity to have a real conversation without any pressure to have a real conversation.

      Also it’s not that hard to do.

      • merc@sh.itjust.works
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        29 days ago

        Yeah but small talk can get the ball rolling on a real conversation.

        It can also be used defensively to avoid having the ball get rolling on a real conversation. This is a key defensive use of small talk which can be deployed at occasions such as “Family Gatherings”, “Workplace Water Coolers”, “Sports Events”.

        If you know your relative is a conspiracy theorist and will inevitably try to use a gap in the conversation to talk about how the Jews are using their Space Laser to Direct Hurricanes at Lithium Deposits to Remove the Lawful Inhabitants from their Rightful Land… deploy small talk to avoid this.

        P.S. Avoid “the weather” as that’s an opening to talk about how the recent hurricane was controlled by Blackrock.

        • Pelicanen@sopuli.xyz
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          28 days ago

          To be fair, had it been possible to control hurricanes, I have no doubt that Blackrock would try to use it to extract profit but they’re hardly alone in that.

          • merc@sh.itjust.works
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            28 days ago

            Sure, but the real evidence that these conspiracies are bullshit is that it involves all these wealthy, powerful people working together. Sure, Blackrock would want to use weather control technology, if it existed, to clear people off land it wanted. But, there are plenty of other billionaires or centi-billionaire companies who would want to know about and use weather control technology. For example, Disney. They’re a nearly 200 billion dollar company that make a lot of their money from cruises, theme parks and resorts, places which are dependent on good weather. If there were any hint that weather control technology were real, they’d be using it to keep the weather good at their resorts. If Blackrock were using weather control tech in a way that might wreck things at Disney World, do you think Disney would just go along with it?

            There are a few things that rich people agree on, like wanting to keep their wealth. But, mostly they got rich because they were incredibly selfish. The idea that they could maintain any kind of conspiracy to do anything other than keep taxes low is pretty insane.

      • yokonzo@lemmy.world
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        29 days ago

        “it’s not that hard to do” is absolutely giving never had a mental illness vibes

    • Noel_Skum@sh.itjust.works
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      29 days ago

      Yup, the only two things small talk and conversation have in common is that they take a minimum of two people and involve spoken words.

      • Opisek@lemmy.world
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        29 days ago

        If people small-talk in sign language, would it be called small-talk?

        Your remark about “spoken words” made be think about this and I find it curious, since “small-talk” has become something of a fixed expression.

        While words related to vocal conversations do appear in other phrases like “being left speechless” for example, I imagine “small-talk” to be more of a thing on its own in today’s usage.

        • Noel_Skum@sh.itjust.works
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          28 days ago

          That’s a good point - do we “speak” sign language? I’d never given it much thought. I think it was lazy writing on my behalf; the phrase “spoken words” could probably be tweaked to make it more obviously inclusive of all the signers out there.

    • exasperation@lemm.ee
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      29 days ago

      I mean that’s basically why a lot of us are great at small talk: we actually do care about the contents of that low stakes conversation with strangers.

  • UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world
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    29 days ago

    Wife and I have a longstanding argument over whether free-will exists.

    I say it does and she has no choice but to say otherwise.

    • TriflingToad@lemmy.world
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      28 days ago

      Consider this, free will can still be pre-planned. We can choose what we want to do, so what if it was pre planned? I still chose it.

            • blind3rdeye@lemm.ee
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              28 days ago

              The meaning of free will is exactly what people are discussing when they talk about whether or not it exists. What does and what doesn’t count as free will is what’s up for discussion.

              • flashgnash@lemm.ee
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                28 days ago

                I think free will as a concept is kinda stupid I’ve yet to talk to anyone who can actually give it a solid definition that isn’t something like “it means we can do what we want”

                Either your decision is based on your personality, meaning it’s not free it’s a set calculation based on genetics and accumulated experience or it’s completely random meaning it’s not will at all

                • sugar_in_your_tea@sh.itjust.works
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                  28 days ago

                  Free will as a philosophical concept has less to do with “I can do what I want” and more to do with “I have control over my actions/thoughts.” This gets into all sorts of interesting corners, such as:

                  • if God exists and is all-knowing, can God know what you’re about to do? If God does, is it really your choice, or just something God planned long ago?
                  • if God doesn’t exist, then we’re all products of everything that came before. Assuming that’s the case, a sufficiently powerful computer with a sufficiently large amount of data could determine what you’re about to do. If that’s the case, is it really your choice, or are you just a really complex automaton where the inputs (your life experiences and current situation) exactly determine your actions?
                  • in either of the above cases, if you’re unaware that another observer knows what you’ll do, do you retain free will? Does free will disappear the moment you learn of this observer? Can knowing about the observer change your actions in an unpredictable way, or can actions always be predicted?

                  And so on. There are some interesting discussions there at the edges, like at what point AI gains free will. That can have very real moral implications (i.e. when does AI get personhood?), so it’s not just idle chat.

                • CileTheSane@lemmy.ca
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                  28 days ago

                  Can your free will be restricted in any way? Someone in prison has less agency than you or I, if that means his free will is restricted then we have more free will than he does. Therefore it exists.

                • blind3rdeye@lemm.ee
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                  28 days ago

                  If you just start talking to some random person about it, then you’re unlikely to get a high-quality conversation; because most of the stuff people will say about it is inane or obvious or obviously wrong, etc. But there are definitely interesting discussions and thoughts that can be had about it. I’ve had countless garbage conversations about, and a handful of good ones. Probably my favoutite take is from Daniel Dennett’s book “Freedom Evolves”. He is very careful to build up a strong picture of what is it that we’re talking about and what the ‘obvious’ problems are, before then carefully and systematically showing those things aren’t really problems with what we were talking about anyway. Before reading that book, I was hard line in the camp of “obviously free will doesn’t exist; that’s a scientific fact”; but after reading it… well, I’d now say “it depends exactly what you mean, but probably the free will you’re talking about does exist.”.

      • thirteene@lemmy.world
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        28 days ago

        Why do we need to bother executing it then? Choice has no value if agency to exercise it is revoked at any stage.

            • sugar_in_your_tea@sh.itjust.works
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              28 days ago

              When I get my ballot with an uncontested seat, I can still choose whether to check the box. Even though it doesn’t impact the outcome at all, I still have the choice on whether to check the box. Even if I am completely restrained and my movements are forced, I still have the choice of whether to accept or resist that action, even if it’s just a mental protest.

              So I don’t think there’s ever a case where there are no other options, but there are plenty of situations where there are no other good options (e.g. cake or death), but that doesn’t restrict your free will, it just restricts your options.

        • theoretiker@discuss.tchncs.de
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          28 days ago

          I want to rebuke you but you name is even more triggering. There is no linear chaos, you need non-linearities or discontinuities for chaos.

          • linearchaos@lemmy.world
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            28 days ago

            Glad I could be of use.

            The concept behind linear chaos is that the chaos is bound at one point. The theoretical cone of influence can only move in one direction and widen at a set rate. Kind of a mashup of chaos over time.

              • linearchaos@lemmy.world
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                26 days ago

                Yeah, chaos crops up in linear systems sometimes in unexpected places.

                There are a couple of scientific papers on it, and at least one textbook. Even at that I’m not sure it’s a well-accepted theory, but the idea suits me.

    • JackbyDev@programming.dev
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      28 days ago

      One time I was talking about this with my friends. I said I believe it exists and they all laughed and said “particles have rules, you’re made of particles.” 🥺

  • Flying Squid@lemmy.world
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    29 days ago

    I’m able to make smalltalk. I just don’t enjoy it, so I avoid it when I can.

    And my wife and I don’t engage in smalltalk. We talk about what we actually care about. Seems to have worked fine for the past 24 years.

    • ByteOnBikes@slrpnk.net
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      28 days ago

      Pretty much.

      I don’t wake up and ask my wife, “How’s the weather?” Or “Did you see that game last night?”

      We talk about real shit. Like yesterday, we had a long conversation about what we would do with a tamed bear.

      • sugar_in_your_tea@sh.itjust.works
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        28 days ago

        Can confirm, I hold our evenings together laying in bed next to each other reading different books or whatever in high esteem. We’re not disfunctional, we’re just introverted, though we like each other’s company.

        • FarraigePlaisteach@lemmy.world
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          27 days ago

          I thought I was in my messaging app when I read the first sentences and was confused. I thought I was included in the “our evenings” 😆

          That sounds lovely and relatable. I let my affection show in glances etc too or a brief hand on the shoulder. Whatever feels authentic at the time.

    • sugar_in_your_tea@sh.itjust.works
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      28 days ago

      It certainly can be.

      If I’m making smalltalk with my SO, it’s because there’s something more weighty I want to discuss, but I’m looking for a way to broach that topic in a better way. So regardless of how I feel about them, it’s still an issue because it means I don’t feel safe to attack the topic head-on.

      • yokonzo@lemmy.world
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        28 days ago

        That feels like a communication strategy tailored to your relationship rather than small talk. small talk, in my opinion, is meaningless banter without motive. This may be pedantic, but I just don’t think I would classify that as smalltalk, since there’s an objective and I’m theoretically engaged, I personally would have no issue with it.

        It’s when there’s seemingly “no point” that I consider it difficult

    • orbitz@lemmy.ca
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      28 days ago

      remembers Pulp Fiction scene least that’s what comfortable silence makes me think of, and yes I agree, it’s nice when a couple people can sit down and not feel like they have to say anything.

        • orbitz@lemmy.ca
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          27 days ago

          Holy crap I had no idea it was an actual anniversary! I just think in pop culture bits (memes). Neat. I so remember the first time watching it in the early teens, Tarantino can sure write fun random dialogue also sure was fun seeing Travolta be awesome again at the time after the baby movies. Not that I didn’t enjoy Look Who’s Talking,at the time, but who remembers those after Pulp Fiction for Travolta?

  • jubilationtcornpone@sh.itjust.works
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    29 days ago

    My wife is a VERY quiet person. She doesn’t say a lot but when she does it’s because she actually has something to say. This made me nervous when we were first dating but I’ve learned to embrace it. Silence is OK. She definitely talks more than she used to but we don’t have to talk all the time. Sometimes she just looks at me and smiles without saying anything and in those moments I know that I am loved.

  • Fleur_@lemm.ee
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    28 days ago

    My interest in talking has more to do with who I’m talking to and less to do with the subject of conversation

    • Subtracty@lemmy.world
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      28 days ago

      Same! It isn’t so much the small talk, but being stuck making small talk with a stranger or coworker/distant relation or whatever that you have no interest in speaking to.

      • Flying Squid@lemmy.world
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        28 days ago

        This is why I hate getting haircuts. I don’t have any personal relationship with the person cutting my hair. Maybe we’ll find a common interest, but if I could just wear earbuds the whole time and not seem like an asshole, I would. But instead I just shave my head when my hair gets long enough to annoy me.

      • sugar_in_your_tea@sh.itjust.works
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        28 days ago

        Which… is pretty much the definition of small talk. If I’m making small talk, it’s because I don’t want you to feel awkward with the silence, which means I don’t know you well enough to know what you prefer.

    • JackbyDev@programming.dev
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      28 days ago

      Yeah, I agree. I’m more social than I was ~10 years ago but that’s because I’ve found good people to surround myself with. Back then I would’ve said I hate small talk. I didn’t hate small talk, I hated the people I was talking with.

    • jubilationtcornpone@sh.itjust.works
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      29 days ago

      Not just extroverts. I’m pretty introverted but I’m also the type of person who is very heavy on verbal communication and I tend to get a lot of my affirmation through words.

      Being “still” is a learned skill for me.

    • EABOD25@lemm.ee
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      29 days ago

      Wonder if Twitter person who made that comment just has people who don’t want to have small talk with them

  • AeonFelis@lemmy.world
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    29 days ago

    I’d like to have similar interactions with my significant other to the ones I have with my cats. You know, things like siting on the couch together… saying silly things in even sillier voices… staring into each other’s eyes while blinking slowly… yelling at her to get down from the cupboard…

  • LANIK2000@lemmy.world
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    28 days ago

    If my partner can’t handle silence, then there’s something seriously wrong. We usually have something to do and if we don’t we just cuddle up. There’s no need for constant noise.