I’m getting tired of being the household beast of burden. Last night I decided to try and make just ONE damned chore in the house equitable. I assigned one kid to empty the dishwasher, the other to fill it, and my husband to wash whatever large items wouldn’t fit in the dishwasher. We discussed it. He agreed it was fair. I HATE a dirty kitchen and can’t cook when it’s filthy and I’m tired of doing all the cleanup before slaving away at the stove and then repeating.
Spoiler: he did not wash the dishes. He played video games and then went to bed. I washed them this morning.
I was mildly annoyed (read this happens constantly so I’m used to it) and told him just now that since I washed those dishes, could he please put them away. He’s doing that now, but his response has me fucking fuming.
“Why wouldn’t you just wait until I washed them? Why did you HAVE to do the dishes just to make me feel bad about it?”
I was mildly annoyed before and now I’m just fucking furious. He has no idea why I would even consider that manipulative. I’m so mad right now I can’t even find the words to productively explain to him why that statement was so offside.
Help me, sisters. I can’t even find the words.
Do situations like that - your feelings getting invalidated and turned on yourself - happen more often or is it uncommon?
And I can see why you struggle to put this in words and explain it to him, because to me it seems like its so many layers you would need to explain to him before he would be able to see his manipulative behavior. This is something I would really struggle to do myself, so i can just send you virtual hugs.
Sorry if this unwanted advice, feel free to skip the stuff below if you just want advice regarding that specific situation.
Reading your comments, I am wondering, do you have any boundaries regarding chores and their distribution? Like if nothing changes, how long can you live with it? What is the minimum of understanding/change you want to achieve to stay in this relationship? Are there any red lines for you? How do see your own situation when you are sick for a longer time or older or have to work for more hours a week?
I feel like you already took a huge effort to communicate with your husband, to provide resources and free education, to be understanding, to deal with constant mild annoyance. It seems like that did not change anything. Right now it seems more than reasonable to check in with your own needs, expectations/hopes/wishes for the future and if you actually believe in your husbands willfulness&ability to change his ways.