• markovs_gun@lemmy.world
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    143
    arrow-down
    2
    ·
    edit-2
    3 months ago

    Bible stories are the same way, we’ve just heard them a million times so they don’t seem weird

    “Hey Jesus what toppings do you want for pizza?”

    “Plain with cheese”

    Later the disciples are eating pizza with Jesus

    "“Hey Jesus why did you say you like cheese pizza when you normally order pepperoni?”

    “You dumb fucks how dare you not understand my hidden meaning, I am the true pizza and you are the pepperoni, the grease is my blood”

    “Oh of course, sorry boss”

    • tetris11@feddit.uk
      link
      fedilink
      English
      arrow-up
      42
      arrow-down
      2
      ·
      edit-2
      3 months ago

      “Jesus… when you say ‘get me off this fucking cross, so help me God’… is that a test? Or should we actually get you off the cross?”

      ( More ranting and screaming and moaning )

      The disciples nod wisely at their leader’s self-sacrifice for… their sins maybe? And he will always be immortal in their hearts, because they’ve already eaten him or something.

      The disciples go home, wiser and holier and warily eyeing each other in confirmation of the deeper meaning behind their saviour’s last words: “Guys, please, I’m not fucking around, get me down, please, I’m so fucking thirsty… Jesus fucking christ”

      • deathbird@mander.xyz
        link
        fedilink
        arrow-up
        5
        ·
        3 months ago

        Thought that one always tied back to the whole “you shall know them by their fruits” thing.

        As in those who talk nice but don’t produce anything useful (like a fig tree that doesn’t produce figs, just leaves) are not really doing what Jesus said. Don’t be like the Pharisees hollering out in the streets, just love God and do good in the world.

        • Kate-ay@lemmy.world
          link
          fedilink
          arrow-up
          4
          ·
          3 months ago

          Yes but it’s still weird because it wasn’t the right time of year for it to have fruit. The tree would have if Jesus hadnt been a dick.

          • deathbird@mander.xyz
            link
            fedilink
            arrow-up
            1
            ·
            3 months ago

            Well then you’re back to Ecclesiastes. Everything in its season etc.

            Idk, I was just trying to put the best argument forward, but l’m not really a fan of the New Testament in part because of its inconsistency.

        • caseyweederman@lemmy.ca
          link
          fedilink
          arrow-up
          1
          ·
          3 months ago

          There is a story in the Apocrypha (decanonized Bible books) where childhood Jesus turns another kid into a tree. I like to think it’s the same tree.

      • ddplf@szmer.info
        link
        fedilink
        arrow-up
        1
        arrow-down
        5
        ·
        3 months ago

        I think you’re confusing the testaments, Jesus was ultimately a great guy as far as I can tell. The God used to be extremely cruel and vengeful in the old testament, though.

    • Caveman@lemmy.world
      link
      fedilink
      arrow-up
      14
      ·
      3 months ago

      In response to calling a prophet bald:

      “So he turned around and looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the LORD. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.” -New King James bible, 2 Kings 2:24

      This is the real way to turn the other cheek

    • Ostrakon@lemmy.world
      link
      fedilink
      arrow-up
      3
      ·
      3 months ago

      Its almost like nonsensical parables are a recurring theme in religions in general and we shouldn’t be assuming a bunch of mystical morons from a thousand years ago knew any better.

      • chaogomu@lemmy.world
        link
        fedilink
        arrow-up
        3
        ·
        3 months ago

        A lot of the “nonsensical” comes from translation issues.

        You’re not a Hebrew farmer living in the middle east 2000 years ago, and the parable has been translated from ancient Hebrew to Greek, then to Latin, then finally into English.

        The same goes for buddhist parables

        I’ve read that some of these parables originally had clever word play.