Hi everyone, I am in my early thirties and have been dealing with something that has brought me a lot of shame and frustration.
I am still a virgin.
Putting my thoughts into words on this has been really hard, because for the past fifteen, even twenty years, I have internalized the feeling of being unattractive and a failed man (there are other factors for this, but those parts of my life are slowly getting back on track.) Also, I’ve had a lot of hostility on Reddit when I’ve tried to reach out on there in the past, so the motivation to really type this isn’t there.
I don’t want to reveal too much about myself, but I’ll try to explain my thoughts as best I can.
My primary and secondary school years sucked. Being autistic made me an easy target for bullies and I was picked on a lot by boys and girls alike. Girls would flirt with me or come on to me as a joke, then laugh in my face (or worse) if I took them seriously. One classmate took things so far that she went on a year-long harassment campaign of calling me a creep and telling me to kill myself.
Sixth form and university were my quiet years. I made temporary friends in both places but I keep in touch with virtually nobody. The girls I interacted with during those years seemed stuck-up and had no interest in even talking to me as a friend. I don’t know if it’s a thing about British women, or just the overall vibe at my uni, but I just get really frigid vibes.
Don’t even get me started on online dating. As a man, you cannot even get matches or replies unless you look like Ryan Gosling, and it is disheartening to have nearly every single one of your messages ignored, even in the modern days where every dating app is a Tinder clone and now requires you to mutually match to send a message. The worst one nowadays is Okcupid, where I realised that the only matches I even get are women on the other side of the world who blatantly falsify their location in the search for a Western husband and the means to a spousal visa.
I have had dates before, but about half of them she’s made excuses to bail and then blocked/unmatched/ghosted me afterwards, and it’s not like I knowingly did anything creepy.
I’ve also had girlfriends before, but I’ve only even kissed one of them. Two were LDR’s that fell apart the moment we closed the gap (of the two, one was a Chinese lady who my German friend tried to set me up with, the other was a Japanese girl who in retrospect was using me for English practice and help with her student visa.) Of the two that were in my country: one used me for my money and cheated on me, and the one that I did kiss we broke up because of the distance and the fact that our personalities just clashed (I was attracted to her but much of the time it felt like I was talking to a brick wall.)
My birthday is in a few weeks and I’ve debated on whether to pay a hooker to take my virginity (I’d likely go abroad for this. Prostitution is technically legal here but a lot of stuff associated with the sex industry isn’t.) I don’t want to end up in my forties not knowing what sex feels like.
The main reason I’m even considering this is because I’m fed up of trying to date people. My past experiences have left me feeling aromantic, but it feels like even the rare few women who are open to hookups wouldn’t go near me with a barge pole.
Am I doing all of this wrong? I have tried numerous things:
- Dating apps: Okcupid, POF, Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel, Happn, Tinder, Bumble. Name the app and I’ve most likely used it. Most of them are owned by the exact same company and are just a different brand of snake oil anyway.
- Asking friends if they know single women they can introduce me to. Only once has this actually happened.
- Meeting women at work. I work fully remote now so this ain’t really an option, and even in the pre-COVID days, nearly every female colleague was not single.
- Going to singles meetups. Last one I went to was a sausage fest and the only lady who I did speak to was a woman in her fifties with a wedding ring on her.
- Changing the way I look and dress. I tried multiple styles of clothing, hairstyles, etc. I get short bursts of motivation to hit the gym and at one point spent a few months going through bro split and PPL split routines, sometimes going 4+ days a week.
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Well, I’ve heard over and over, online dating sucks for everyone. And the constant stream of rejection is taking a mental toll on male participants. Just be aware of that.
And I think it’s also more difficult in your 30s. Most of my friends are in longterm relationships by now and are having kids. When I was 20, many were single and the pool of potential hookups was much bigger.
And you mention being autistic. I’m sure superficial things like online dating are rigged against you, because people who are different from an expectation get eliminated quicker, the more superficial it is.
So if you really want a partner, make sure to have lots of patience.
One thing I’d like to add to your list is/are societies. And meeting people where you do your hobbies. This can include anything from meeting people during sports activities like mountain biking / tennis, to volunteering somewhere. You might want to balance this a bit. Some places are more sausage fest than others, but if you manage to meet a woman there, she’s unlikely to be superficial. And you already have a hobby in common.
Other than that, go to concerts, parties …
Regarding sex: You might want to separate looking for a partner and looking for a hookup for sex. These are two entirely different things. There are different Apps that specialize in connecting people for one or the other. But don’t mix it up or people will get disappointed because expectations are different.
There are also special parties just for sex, swinger clubs etc. And just paying someone for sex is also a valid approach.
Please take this as gently as possible from someone old enough to be your mother - if you meet one asshole, they are an asshole. If everyone you meet is an asshole, you are the asshole. If you meet a girl who is stuck up, she probably is. If every girl you meet is stuck up, it’s you.
If you think getting past the “virgin” part will crack a wall for you, then sure, a sex worker might be the way to go, you can explain what you are looking for, maybe get some pointers and practice so you feel not clueless. Most of us, yes women too, did not have ideal or even good first times, no big deal if you want to pay to get it out of the way.
Your looks and style, the best approach is to get yourself in shape for you. Wear the clothes you like. Do the things you like, be your own best self. You absolutely do not need to be stunning in looks, no. But nice enough to be comfortably looked at. Comfortable for you and the one looking. Looks are only the superficial layer but being in shape at least does say something about you, that you care about your physical health.
Beyond that - we are just people! Women are people and we are everywhere. Get used to talking to us like people, make friends, get more comfortable. You need girl friends, not just a girlfriend.
Also I agree that 30s are the worst age to look for a partner, 20s are more open and then around 40 a lot of breakups and movement again. But that doesn’t mean impossible by a long shot. Always there are people looking, especially if you are wanting casual for now.
It seems like you’ve built up your virginity into this really big thing that’s causing you a lot of anxiety. For that reason alone, I would recommend seeing a sex worker to lose your virginity if you’re comfortable with that and it’s truly what you want. It’s not a huge deal and many older people are virgins, but it’s negatively impacting you so my advice would be to search for a sex worker and to be honest with them and let them know you’re nervous and inexperienced. You might need to message a few providers before you find one that suits. But the right one will be very accomodating, it’s literally their job to make you comfortable and feel good!
Maybe once that hurdle has been cleared, you can focus on other things related to dating without having your virginity looming over you. Dating is hard for EVERYONE, and especially hard for autistic people ESPECIALLY if they’re dating neurotypicals. How confident are you with your communication skills? There may be some things you’re missing that you might not be aware of. Do you have a trusted friend who could give you some feedback? I once went on a date with an autistic guy and he didn’t ask me a single thing about myself which made me feel like he wasn’t interested or didn’t care. I later found out it wasn’t because he didn’t care, but he didn’t really know how to keep the conversation balanced. This may not be true for you, but it would be great if someone could help give you some insight.
Like I said though, dating is hard, I have friends who are absolutely beautiful, talented, smart, funny, and they still struggle with online dating. I think apps have made people view their dates as a bit more disposable, if they don’t immediately click with someone then they don’t wanna put in the effort because they can just go straight back to the app and find someone else. So apps can be great, but I’d also recommend trying to meet people in real life. Depending on your hobbies, you could meet people that way.
The other thing I’d say is to not put the pressure on your date or yourself by wanting every date to turn into a relationship or sex. Dating is about getting to know someone, discovering what you like and don’t like with people, and finding out if you click. So you may have to go on lots of dates but that doesn’t mean you’re failing. It’s all part of the process. It’s awesome that you’re putting in the effort and trying to find a solution. Good luck!!!
