This will be long, so strap inā¦
For years I battled with some mental health issues that prevented me from working or studying. Finally, after being very close to going into debt, I managed to get a job last november. I was happy, I had a job at a company that I liked, I had a bf, I was overcoming my agoraphobia and things felt like they were going well. Only thing that sucked was that I was still stuck living with my occasionally abusive and toxic ex, and in my country weāre experiencing a massive housing crisis, so moving out while earning less than min wage is pretty much impossible. Even if I earned above min wage, Iād had to earn a lot to be able to rent a place.
Anyway, piece by piece, things started to deteriorate. I broke up with my bf in january, and while I consider this as either positive or neutral thing, it has left me feeling lonely. One of my and my exās cats died in april. Around this time there was also some drama at work, but it luckily was solved. In may one day at work I became extremely confused over what time it was and a coworker took me to a hospital, I wonāt go into detail about that day more, but this started a massive decline in my physical health.
I started having issues with my balance, being confused, suffering from headaches/migraines, and lightheadedness. I was unable to work fully anymore, the doctors werenāt helpful, but eventually I got sent to do some tests in a hospital, my appointment is in october. Iāve been on sick leave for over a month now, and I donāt think Iāll be able to return for a while, if ever. My already less than min wage got cut even more, I now earn only 800ā¬/month. Luckily I donāt have to pay for rent or food (my ex earns enough and is nice enough to buy food and also cook, which I am grateful for).
The issue is, my ex decided that he wanted to adopt a kitten. It was āhisā cat that died, and he wanted our other cat to have company (the two cats were adopted as kittens about a year ago). His mom, whose cat is actually a littermate of ours, had recently had two kittens and so after a bit of begging from my ex, I agreed to take one of the kittens. Heās adorable, like all kittens, but he is also a menace. Heās scratched on some exposed floor, creating a mess. My ex didnāt seem to give a shit. The kitten is now chewing on cords, got caught in a cord yesterday, climbing the curtains, scratching the rug, and overall just being a hyperactive kitten. Now, my ex works 8h/day, about 6 days a week, and even if he isnāt working, he might just go out at a friends place or be at his momās. When heās home, he cooks, pets the kitten, then goes upstairs to play, leaving the kitten downstairs with me. For someone who really wanted a kitten as bad as he did, he barely interacts with it.
Iām barely able to take care of myself in the state Iām in right now. Iām constantly tired, I donāt sleep well, I canāt stand up for long or at all at times, I have headaches/migraines oftenā¦ Iām sick. Not sure what it is, but I have a hunch. But yeah, if I stand up too fast or too long or just wrong, I might fall. I already have, and often I can feel my knees going weak even when I just took a few steps to the fridge to get a drink. I canāt really take care of a kitten right now. Nor did I really want to. When I agreed to this, it wasnāt so bad, and my ex said heād take care of the kitten. Heās barely home, or gives a shit about the furry little menace when he is.
Today Iāve had a bad headache for hours, and I couldnāt properly rest because I had to make sure that little ball of pure energy didnāt chew through a charging cable, or trying to stop him from ripping down our curtains. When my ex came home, he again didnāt bother to play with his kitten to burn off the energy a bit, leaving me to deal with constant noise and stress while Iām trying to rest my head. Not to mention that the house is a total mess. Dishes are piling up, so is the laundry, his half of the house is a total disaster (no proper flooring, half built wall between two bedrooms, months worth of pizza boxes, trash, random screws and construction material, clothes on the floor, etc.). I try to do what I can, but at this point it is not much. I canāt even empty the dishwasher everyday.
I have nobody to help me. I donāt even think my ex believes Iām sick. I feel overall just lonely. I donāt really have friendsā¦ I talk to some people online, but thatās itā¦ Iām at the end of my rope. I donāt know if this illness is going to be permanent, if my hunch is correct there is no real cure and treatment is also a bitā¦ uncertain. Iām scared. Iām so done that Iāve threatened to take the kitten to a shelter, because clearly my ex doesnāt give a fuck about him, but if I do then Iāll be kicked out. And then what? I get to struggle out on the streets when I can barely walk. And yes, my ex can kick me out and any moment without a warning.
I donāt know if thereās any other way out of this than killing myself. I canāt see any future for myself. My head hurts, I feel tired, I canāt run this house in a state like this, nor do I want to clean up after a 33 year old manchild. I didnāt want to be sick againā¦ Should I just push myself to the limit? Go back to work, clean the whole house? And who cares if I have head splitting migraine. I donāt think anyone would care if I fell and hit my head. Maybe I am just lazyā¦
I donāt have all the answers, but want to say I am so sorry for what your going through.
On the kitten: youāre right, I thinkā the kitten needs more social interaction. Any piece of string, perhaps with a bit of cloth tied to the end, can be dangled while you are sitting on the couch. You might consider a mani-pedi, nipping the sharp tips of those claws, to keep damage under control. Ex might reasinably be asked to invest in a few toys, including chew toys. You might search for āJackson Galaxyā on YouTube for helpful videos.
It shouldnāt be your responsibility, but it sounds like youāve tried getting Ex to take responsibility. Sadly, like the kittenās tenancy seems tied to your own. That sounds like manipulation.
Your physical health and long-term possibilities are, of course, adding to your stress. It sounds very overwhelming right now, with so many changes in your life. Would Ex consider paying for housekeeping helpāat least to get the pizza boxes and dirty dishes sorted out? I donāt know about your countryās system for people with disabilities, but perhaps your social worker can help you figure out if any assistance in this area is available to you.
Thank you for the trigger warning about your desperation. As you know, Iām just an internet rando. I canāt offer you all the helo you need, although I can assure you I care deeply. In the pinned resources at the top of this communityās posts, there are some European resources if you havenāt already seen them. Perhaps your social worker can add to them (and if youād be willing to share anything you find useful, you can DM me so I can have them added to the list).
Please stay alive. So many things have changed so rapidly in your life recently. Thatās bound to feel like too much. Give yourself the time and grace for change.
The kitten luckily has tons of toys (half of them under the couch at the moment lol) and a whole other cat to play with, so with activity and social interaction, he is doing fine. He is also getting fed and his litterboxes get cleaned, just in case anybody is worried. Most of the damage comes from the kitten not understanding what he isnāt allowed to scratch, he has a flat plank on the floor, a ball and about a 2 m long scratching post, but both kitties just love scratching the doormat, as well as some exposed floor insulation(?).
My ex said yesterday that he would not be hiring anyone. I discussed today with my social worker if I could get some help to clean, as somedays I struggle to stand up long enough to even make food for myself, she said sheād look into it, but both of us are not very optimistic that Iād get anything. Iām thinking of taking pics of the worst chaos, maybe mostly just showing how unfinished the house is, and has been for years, and sending it to his mom and friends, maybe his brothers too. Iām just nervous if theyād blame me for it and/or how heād reactā¦ He hasnāt told anyone that we broke up years ago, he also hasnāt told anyone that I finally got a job, and I lost contact with them years ago. Iāve only seen his mom recently a few times. But yeah, to everyone Iām basically his freeloading, weird foreign gf. None of them have been to the house in years, and when they did visit the few times years ago, we didnāt show them around.
Iām trying to take things day by day, tried to get a routine going on. Itās hard when some days Iām too tired or sick to play video games. Iāve been working on a project of mine that I hope to turn into a career, or at least a secondary income, but it is tough. I feel like Iāve let everyone down. Nobody says it, but Iām anxious that people donāt believe me, especially since I donāt really have any proof of that this is happening. I went through years of abuse where people accused me of faking or causing my own panic attacks. I had adults watch over me as I hyperventilated uncontrollably and justā¦ stare at me. Iām so scared the same will happen again.
Wellāyouāre clearly very resourceful! Youāve got the kitten thing managed as best you can. Youāre asking the same questions, of the same IRL people, that a bunch of randos have come up withā¦ so crowd-sourcing and getting same answers suggests youāre doing everything right.
You have NOT let everyone down, and youāve got no reason to apologize. Let me tell you a little about my partnerās situation. Supposedly āmental healthā issues for ~ten years. Nothing workedādrugs, talk therapy, encouragement, whole raft of diagnoses. Lots of people accused her of faking, including (Iām sad to say) me. Never really pushed it; raised an occasional eyebrow, did my best to be supportiveā¦
Finally, turns out she has Alzheimerās. Rather atypically early (I think starting around 55 years old). But yeah, as real as the MRI that officially diagnosed it. She had so much anxiety and flaky behavior around āsomethingās OFF in my head.ā
I sincerely hope that all works out well for you, and that you are able to find/create situations that are supportive and allow you joy. My partner too was suicidal. I canāt say sheās exactly ecstatic nowāsheās in a nursing home (complications). But: I visit every day, get her to smile, and she knows I love her dearly and will not give up on her. There is still joy in our lives.
Iām sorry to hear about your partner. Alzheimer is brutal! I wish you and your partner lots of strength :)
Thank you so much. I get strength from the kind words of people like you, and from offering what I can for others. Hugs and well-wishes to you.