Thereās this rising narrative going around that if you ask specifically for a CIS partner, youāre a transphobe. That could be true for some people but itās not fundamentally related to bigotry. Moreover, this narrative, the āif you only want a CIS mate then that is prejudiceā is trampling on one of the most important rights a person can have: the right to choose who they want to get intimate with.
First of all, transmen are in fact men and transwomen are in fact women. Letās get that out of the way. This isnāt a foot in the door for ātrans this really isnāt thatā narratives. What this is about it is the freedom to choose who you want to be intimate with. That right is sancrosanct, it is absolutely inviolable.
And yes, thereās plenty of issues that make transgender dating a special issue. If someone reveals their TG status they can be open to hate crimes and even deadly violence. However all marginalized groups are special in their own way. As a black man I donāt think itās racist if a woman says she doesnāt want to date a black man. I face oppression, too. My class is special in its own way. One group isnāt more special than the other. None of us have the right to force ourselves upon those who donāt want to be intimate with us, even by omitting who we really are.
Really, if you have to deceive or hide who you are in order to date someone, do you really want to date them? I wouldnāt. Thatās not fair to you and youāre denying them their right to choose who they want. What do you think will happen when the person wants a CIS mate and they discover the truth? Theyāre going to get pissed and dump you. Now you have to shame them into staying with you: āIf you loved me for real this wouldnāt bother youāā¦ thatās not going to convince anyone. Theyāre either going to leave, or theyāll resent you forever. Thatās just how it is. You can be mad at that but thatās about as effective as protesting the rising of the sun. Thereās just no way to win once youāve gone down that road.
āI want a CIS mateā is not the same as ātrans women are not womenā - one is a preference, the other is harmful prejudice. On the flip side CIS people who do date trans people shouldnāt be shamed for their choices either. A man should be free to date a trans woman and not catch flak about it. Trans people should be able to be openly trans and not face hate speech or threats to their well-being. This, without any exception whatsoever.
The fundamental fact is when you shame or worse abrogate peopleās right to choose who they want to get intimate with, itās not going to end well for you. All youāre going to get is people who resent being coerced or bullied to date people they donāt want to. And thatās not something the country, or the world, will ever put up with. Except that right now, most people donāt imagine they can be labeled a transphobe just for wanting a CIS mate. And unpopular opinion: that should be nipped in the bud.
Maybe for some. But for most itās not even a preference it is a sexual orientation. A preference can be negotiated. A sexual orientation is just the way that you are.
Honest question, why is there a difference between preference and orientation? If Iām ordering pizza and ask you for your topping preference, youād tell me pepperoni, for instance. You donāt get to choose what your preference is, itās just what you prefer. There may be reasons you have that preference (the taste of pepperoni, you donāt like mushrooms, etc.), but itās not a conscious decision to prefer pepperoni, itās just what you like. I couldnāt negotiate with you to make you like mushrooms over pepperoni, itās something you have to discover on your own.
I guess what Iām getting at is that I donāt understand why thereās a difference.
Well you donāt identify with preferring pepperoni, while you do with being attracted to men or women or both. So thatās a difference, although maybe not a fundamental one ā I see your question as absolutely fair. Maybe we use two words ā preference and orientation ā to describe two different experiences, one implying identification and the other not.
Thanks for the thoughtful response! I guess the whole āidentify withā part is what is tripping me up here. I donāt live my life thinking about how I am attracted to whatever, I just am. Do you have more of an explanation for me on what it means for other people? Not trying to be inflammatory, just want to understand, because Iāve been curious about the āpreferenceā thing for a while.
Quite a few people identify with their consumption choices, perhaps to an unhealthy degree. I get your point though.
I suppose itās the difference between preferring not to add mushrooms and losing your appetite when the mushroom goes in your mouth.
I donāt really think that breaks the analogy; there are people who would refuse to eat mushrooms on pizza altogether, there are people who would not be unhappy with the mushrooms, and there are people who would only want mushrooms. In other words, a spectrum, right?
Basically what I was trying to say, yes!
Iām straight, by orientation not preference. Sex with women literally doesnāt feel like sex, even doing the same stuff Iād do with a guy. Itās not distressing , itās nothing, more like performance. You can be hungry and eat pepperoni and it will feel like eating. I do find many women beautiful, and sexy but nope, donāt want to do them.
A preference is more like āI really prefer women but was stuck on this boat with only dudes, Tim is nice and good looking, it was fun.ā