To quote the Onion themselves:

No price would be too high for such a cornucopia of malleable assets and minds. And yet, in a stroke of good fortune, a formidable special interest group has outwitted the hapless owner of InfoWars (a forgettable man with an already-forgotten name) and forced him to sell it at a steep bargain: less than one trillion dollars.

I don’t think Trump intends to field the military against another military anyway. The performance required to massacre civilians isn’t a high bar.

Because novelty is all it has. As soon as it stops improving in a way that makes people say “oh that’s neat”, it has to stand on the practical merits of its capabilities, which is, well, not much.

The reason given for hiding them just makes that fact worse. It’s for “aesthetics”. Manual latches don’t look futuristic enough.

We could have had that. Now, we might not even have an FTC.

Well yeah, if you want to be truly masculine you need to fuck men. It’s mathematically proven to be twice as manly as straight sex.

The election emboldened some very shitty people to go mask off.

This may sound pedantic, but you’re looking for Fairtrade (one word) for the organization with the strictest vetting standards. Fair Trade (two words) isn’t regulated and just means they follow some sort of ethical code. It’s not necessarily bad, but it warrants more product specific research.

Strictly speaking, the energy it consumes is the gravitational potential energy of the ore they’re mining, which would be consumed anyway in the form of, well, gravity, acting on the ore on the way down. They’re just using it productively instead of dissipating it as heat from the brakes. Using only energy that ordinarily would have been wasted is of course very neat, but it’s not breaking any laws of physics.

Not too long ago, this would be a career-ending display of corruption.

Relevant Onion article

His house, the people’s choice. The information being available just allows people to make an informed decision of whether or not to use it, and in what way.

The main difference is that in equal measure to being a fascist, Trump is an idiot.

“Something I hope we can do no matter who you voted for is see each other not as adversaries but as fellow Americans, Bring down the temperature.”

No. Human rights aren’t a disagreement. We can disagree on whether or not we enjoyed a movie or on what pizza toppings we prefer. But if the disagreement is that you want to kill me or people I care about, you are, by definition, my adversary.

I’m not convinced we’ll go even a single decade of this regime without total socioeconomic collapse.

Only if you’re exactly the right denomination too.

That just means you value your own ability to evade blame over the lives of real people.

So he’s just lifting Jimmy Saville’s slogan?

“To all those growing skeptical of this party’s strategies and overall agenda, let me just say we hear you loud and clear. Rest assured we will be doing everything short of interpreting that sound into words and responding to those words in any way shape or form.”

This is an all-timer.

Oh he’d act. He’d assist Russia and be the other Axis power.