I used to think I’m not trans enough, that the thoughts I might’ve had were just about my gender expression, that I’d be alright with being a femboy, that I wouldn’t ever feel a desire to change parts of my body.

But once I got to it, I just couldn’t help but browse the trans and egg memes, read the stories, see the pictures. Not all, but many of them felt relatable to me.

But I guess how the veil of “I just want to be a feminine guy” came down was thinking of if I wanted everyone to think of me as a man for the rest of eternity. I felt the pressures of toxic masculinity already trying to punish me through being labeled as “gay”.

Once I realized I didn’t want to be a guy, I just had to figure out where to go from there. I was already transgender at that point. All the validation of “real trans people” which I hadn’t previously thought of as applying to me was all the sudden empowering. I couldn’t really believe it at first, how unlike would it be that I would be trans. But I guess someone has to play that part. And since I am trans, I can nudge or redefine my identity anywhere I feel like…

Throughout all of these, journaling really helped. Writing down daily thoughts, often about gender, did help me see the thought patterns.

I now feel like there is no me without being transgender. I don’t wish to be normal. If you take away my transness, you take away a core part of me.

That’s why I am now slowly planning to transition.

I don’t want people to see me without a core part of me being there.

This instance is blahaj.zone, hosted by the folks at blahaj.zone?

This, except Librewolf on desktop and Mull on android to get some extra hardening.