It’s like your looking at pictures of a kid you vaguely recognize but can even remember them. “Where do I know that kid from??”
It’s like your looking at pictures of a kid you vaguely recognize but can even remember them. “Where do I know that kid from??”
There’s a picture of me as an infant which everyone in my family says they were so happy when I was born. I look at the picture which everyone in my family loves, and I think I look depressed. Which makes sense, because I’ve been depressed my entire life. I can remember being 5 years old, and my parents getting me Super Mario 2, which was incredibly hard to find in 1988. And I love that game. I wanted that game. I begged for that game.
But I was having a bad day that day. I remember saying “I don’t deserve this. Other kids deserve this, but not me.”
And then my mom yelled at me. This was all recorded on VHS. Whenever I see the footage, I feel ashamed that I said that. Because here’s someone trying to show love to me, and here I am at 5 years old rejecting my own mother.
But as far as not connecting with those old photos and videos, no. I DO connect with those old photos and videos. I’m 41 years old, but I’m still the same depressed self hating individual. I only feel ashamed that I rejected someone who was trying to be nice to me.
Someone showing love for you shouldn’t yell at you because you are unhappy with the present. If they loved you they’d try to understand why.
I have been upset when someone didn’t like a present I got them, but I never shouted at them. And I’ve also been given out to when I didnt “appreciate “ a present I was given. I now think that’s more of a them problem than a me problem.
I did want the present. I did like the present. I just felt like I was unworthy of the present. I was being given a present that they went through a lot of effort to get (I genuinely can’t put into words how hard in 1988 it was to get that game to someone who isn’t familiar with the time period’s methods for acquiring such things). I just felt that other kids deserved it more than I did.
I did the same thing with food. I’d go to other friends houses, and they wouldn’t eat vegetables or whatever. So their parents would say things like “There are starving kids in Africa!”. I would overhear this, go back to my own house, and feel I was undeserving of food if there were starving kids in Africa, and here I was presented with a 4 coarse meal every night. Who was I to be special to have those options while others starved?
That’s how I felt about the game. Who was I to be deserving of this highly sought after game, which kids were literally killing each other for in poor neighborhoods, to just be given this game without earning it? What had I done to earn it? That’s what offended my mom into yelling. She went through all this trouble, and now I was saying “Woe is me to be given this gift”.
I don’t know how else to describe it, if I’m failing to do so.
Hey man. I’m not saying anything about how you reacted, that’s your own thing to work on and have a long look inside. I would recommend talking to a licensed therapist to help guide you.
My main point was about your mother’s reaction, which I don’t think was correct. And maybe she should also seek help in how she treats people.