Major companies are reportedly scrambling to come up with workplace perks that can rival masturbating freely in the comfort of their own homes, confirmed sources.
“We’ve tried everything: free lunches, kombucha on tap, daily puppy parades, even a goddamn Mindfulness Meditation session but nothing works. I absolutely know that if one of my coworkers’ Teams icons turns yellow they are probably cranking one out,” said regional director Dana Killinger of Callen-Moore Logistics, reviewing a spreadsheet titled “MasturOptions.” “We’re offering chair massages, casual dress, and a Low Stimulation Room with fidget toys and stories read by Morgan Freeman, well an AI version of his voice. But at the end of the day, nobody’s gonna swap home-office hand stuff for a $15 DoorDash credit.”
Employees, meanwhile, remain unmoved by artisanal granola and forced team-building. […]
So here in Toronto all the big Canadian banks and even the Mayor herself are pushing REALLY hard for RTO for everyone downtown. why? well because there are stores in what we call the PATH (basically a massive network of underground walkways that connect all the major banking buildings to each other as well as other various buildings in Toronto) are struggling. Why are they struggling? because they only allow these stores to open from 8am to 6pm on weekdays and refuse to open them on weekends when gasp tourists utilize the PATH because it can get VERY Hot in Toronto in the Summer or VERY Cold in Toronto in the winter.
Now the thing is people who have already started to RTO are now gasp not buying anything! Making the whole effort pointless.