Major companies are reportedly scrambling to come up with workplace perks that can rival masturbating freely in the comfort of their own homes, confirmed sources.
“We’ve tried everything: free lunches, kombucha on tap, daily puppy parades, even a goddamn Mindfulness Meditation session but nothing works. I absolutely know that if one of my coworkers’ Teams icons turns yellow they are probably cranking one out,” said regional director Dana Killinger of Callen-Moore Logistics, reviewing a spreadsheet titled “MasturOptions.” “We’re offering chair massages, casual dress, and a Low Stimulation Room with fidget toys and stories read by Morgan Freeman, well an AI version of his voice. But at the end of the day, nobody’s gonna swap home-office hand stuff for a $15 DoorDash credit.”
Employees, meanwhile, remain unmoved by artisanal granola and forced team-building. […]
wait… companies are offering perks for rto?
So ive few ive seen:
- Clothing is opened up. We can wear sweatshirts on days there are no visit.
- Free popcorn wendesdays
- Pizza Fridays
- Cookout Thursday
- Way more flexible hrs. Coworker comes im at 4am leaves at 12. Before it was 8 to 3 mandatory times.
- Free unlimited coffee machine
Only one I’d seen was: We won’t lay you off.
Lol I was going to put that down on the middle but decided naaa ill answer legit.
My office was already “wear whatever you want, but then they installed four unlimited fancy coffee machines that grind the beans at-will and make mochas, lattes, espresso, and tons of other drinks… A multi-flavor bubbly water machine (love that), an additional unlimited cold brew on tap, and a snack bar… it’s nice I guess, but nothing comes close to working from bed with my cats all day.
My lord sugar levels must be high 😆
The flavored water is like La Croix, all sugar free! You can choose what flavor you want, how much carbonation, and if you want caffeine or electrolytes in it. I can’t drink caffeine anymore for some reason (makes me feel like I’m dying when I drink it) but I go through six or seven fills of my nice 30oz cup of flavor water every time I’m in the office.
Oh I forgot, they also got a nugget ice machine. Probably the best addition to the office.
Well im jelly
It’s the only thing that makes going into the office bearable hahaha. I’ve been full remote for a month or two due to medical stuff, and I’m going back in soon, some weeks… I’m not excited for anything but my sweet bubbly water and chewable ice.
Reminds me of the old video about the snacks at Valve: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aEi3U77b6yE
this was a fun watch but My god that is not a “snack bar” thats like a whole convenience store.
7000 calories per cookie 😆
I really struggle to believe it’s actually 7000 since that would be several days of energy for an adult (but maybe the comments there know better). Seems more like he actually meant either 700kcal or 7000kJ?
tbf I’d like real flexible work hours if it was work from home. Do three hours of work in the morning, to sometimes around noon and three in the evening. As long as there are no critical meetings and I just need to get stuff done let me do it on my terms.
Same. Coworkers are processing jobs 24/7 because we can just up and leave between “9 to 5” just to come back 7pm to wrap up. One time I saw one at a weekday 2pm movie slot. We Totally never spoke of it again.
That’s what I do.
Of course not, this is satire after all.
Not sure why this sketch came to mind.
Plus with emails no papers sticking together.
So here in Toronto all the big Canadian banks and even the Mayor herself are pushing REALLY hard for RTO for everyone downtown. why? well because there are stores in what we call the PATH (basically a massive network of underground walkways that connect all the major banking buildings to each other as well as other various buildings in Toronto) are struggling. Why are they struggling? because they only allow these stores to open from 8am to 6pm on weekdays and refuse to open them on weekends when gasp tourists utilize the PATH because it can get VERY Hot in Toronto in the Summer or VERY Cold in Toronto in the winter.
Now the thing is people who have already started to RTO are now gasp not buying anything! Making the whole effort pointless.
Goon, Inc. is always hiring
Didn’t bite, but just being able to shit in the peace of your own home can’t be beat
