• mrcleanup@lemmy.world
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    98
    arrow-down
    2
    ·
    1 year ago

    If feel like us guys are at a disadvantage here. All our lives were are told not to complain unless we bring a solution, not to cry, get up, keep moving.

    Then suddenly the thought pattern we have been trained on all our lives turns out to not be healthy for supporting others and it’s a hard transition to make when we want so desperately to help and are asked not to.

    Not saying it’s wrong, just hard.

    • sbv@sh.itjust.works
      link
      fedilink
      English
      arrow-up
      65
      arrow-down
      5
      ·
      1 year ago

      it’s a hard transition to make when we want so desperately to help and are asked not to.

      Listening is helping. It took me a while to get that, but we’re helping just by being quiet.

      • Zorque@kbin.social
        link
        fedilink
        arrow-up
        27
        arrow-down
        2
        ·
        1 year ago

        Yes, but there’s a disconnect between helping directly and helping indirectly. Listening is indirect help, passive help. It’s helping simply by existing, which is antithetical to the above commenters train of logic.

        I’m not saying you’re wrong, or that it’s not something that people should learn to do… but it’s not always something you can solve by making that connection.

        • Ataraxia@sh.itjust.works
          link
          fedilink
          arrow-up
          7
          arrow-down
          1
          ·
          1 year ago

          Many people don’t want advice and that’s fine. I complain not because I want them to fix it but because it helps me organize my thoughts and verify that my complaints are valid so that I can see if it’s something I can fix myself, often though complaining about bad things that I cannot fix. I am perfectly capable of handling problems as an adult, but people need to vent so they can actually focus on a solution.

        • sbv@sh.itjust.works
          link
          fedilink
          English
          arrow-up
          2
          arrow-down
          1
          ·
          1 year ago

          Listening is indirect help, passive help. It’s helping simply by existing

          Not in my experience. The listener is helping the speaker organize their thoughts, work through their feelings, and (in some cases) decide on a course of action. The listener needs to ask questions, understand the speaker, and help them sort things out.

          In a spouse or friend situation, the listener is probably also providing emotional support. Which can be immensely helpful, since it validates the speaker.

          There’s also follow up. The listener should talk to the speaker and see how their feelings have evolved.

      • maniclucky@lemmy.world
        link
        fedilink
        arrow-up
        1
        ·
        1 year ago

        Yup. It’s akin to “not making a choice is itself a choice”. It doesn’t feel like it is, but can be equally impactful.

    • ReallyActuallyFrankenstein@lemmynsfw.com
      link
      fedilink
      English
      arrow-up
      27
      ·
      edit-2
      1 year ago

      I think my problem is also we’re told to be empathetic and emotionally present. So what we’re being asked to do is suffer alongside without being able to alleviate the suffering.

      I find this much more difficult than solving whatever the problem is, because, maybe I’m weird, but I feel pretty much all the suffering around me as if it’s happening to me, and especially when it’s my wife suffering.

      • mrcleanup@lemmy.world
        link
        fedilink
        arrow-up
        16
        ·
        1 year ago

        what we’re being asked to do is suffer alongside without being able to alleviate the suffering.

        I know that isn’t actually what people think they are asking for, but it sure feels like it so often.

        Thanks for putting this into words for me.