My ex, 30f, and I, 32m, broke up awhile back. We have been trying to work things out tho because neither of us want to move on. She still comes over every month (we live 3 hours apart), do stuff together, etc. We have been trying to make it work, but recently (November 27th) I found out that even though she still says she loves me and wanted to make things work, she was sleeping with these 2 guys multiple times. 6 times over the course of at least 7 months, with a 7th time planned (and supposedly cancelled) for the 16th of december. I had a suspicion about it for multiple reasons, but my suspicions were confirmed when I accidentally opened discord on the laptop I recently set up for her. I saw her sending photos that I had taken of her during our trip to a fair, saying she’s like to show him all her costumes in person. Seeing that, my heart sank and I started reading the entire dm, which contained them talking about meeting up, the aftermath of their meetup, her saying she missed him, and other things… the first time they met up she had told me she was watching a movie with her family, but that was a lie. She was with him…
I confronted her about it, saying if she was doing stuff with someone else I just wanted the truth and that if she just admitted it, I wouldn’t be as hurt. But she tried to beat around the bush, saying it never went beyond sexting. This was false, as I saw her and him messaging each other, with her saying what she enjoyed about their encounter… I kept pushing, basically begging her to please be honest with me. Eventually I told her I saw the messages and asked her again, where she admitted she did. she said she had met up with 2 guys two separate times, but at first she said it was only once each. I kept pushing, and eventually she admitted it was a total of 6 times between the two guys. With one of the guys, they didn’t use protection…
I know we aren’t together, but we had been trying to make things work. At least I had been. She has been visiting every month (I’m not able to visit her due to my work schedule and the distance). I’ve always had trust issues due to how I grew up. My ex would tell me she loves me and wants things to work between us, and I’d try my best to do whatever I can for her. When she comes over, we try to cook together and do stuff together. I would pay for almost everything, and yes I’d get annoyed when she wanted to add random sweets to our groceries but I did it because I loved her. I thought she was trying to make this work, it seemed like she was, but now finding out about this… 2 guys, 6 times, over the course of months… she was still coming to my house every month, telling me she loved me, telling me she wants to be with me and only me, sleeping in my bed with me, being intimate with me… we did stuff together, even if outside my comfort zone but I did so because I loved her and wanted her to be happy.
I’m both angry for trusting anyone again, and broken because I was afraid of this happening. I’ve been cheated on, lied to, emotionally and physically abused, manipulated in past relationships and in my family life. And here I felt like I lost everything again.
She says she is sorry and wants to make this right, that she regrets it, but I feel so emotionally numb now. I told her that she broke whatever semblance of trust I had left, and that she’d have to work to regain my trust. She says she regrets it, and I know it’s harsh, but 6 times. Six times. I know I’m not there enough for her, nowhere near as much as I want to be. But did she not regret it the first time? Or second? Third? Why try to hide it from me when I was telling her if she just came clean up front it wouldn’t hurt as much. Yes it still hurt, but the fact that I had to push and pry to get her to admit it. And she says she was planning to tell me in December, yet she had another escapade planned for the 16th.
I was able to contact one of the guys and he had no idea and kept apologizing to me, telling me he hasn’t deleted any of the chats so if I wanted to know anything to let him know. He blocked her on everything (and I made sure she blocked him on everything) and he told me that had he known she was actively with someone, he wouldn’t have done anything with her. The other guy I haven’t contacted, and tbh I’d rather not.
I can barely eat or sleep now. She said she wants to make things right, show me her phone whenever I want to prove she’s being faithful now, be more honest with me, etc. but idk… I said yes to her open phone thing, and she gave me some of her socials. Low and behold, she mass deleted stuff and mass blocked guys, saying she was scared of what I’d see, because she knows they’re bad.
Long story cut alittle short, I’m a forgiving person and I CAN forgive her. I’ve told her she has to re-earn my trust now after everything she did to me. But now I’m extremely paranoid that she’s just fucking around because the distance gives her cover. She reassures me she’s not, but idk. She had been accusing me of doing the same for the past 2 years because I have a friend (21f) that has had a thing for me for a few years that I visit every few months, but I had never acted on it . My ex would get jealous that I’d see her and think we were doing stuff. Yet she was doing the very thing she was accusing me of. I’ve had every chance to, she does not hide that she wants me, but I’ve always rebuked it because I wanted to make things work with my ex and she’s been respectful of that, not overstepping boundaries and telling me she wants to see my ex and I work if it’ll make me happy. I’ve always had more of an older brother like relationship with her.
I just needed to vent and rant. At this point we are back to FWB (monogamous), while she earns my trust back. Idk if I can ever forgive her after this, and maybe I’m stupid for giving her this when she doesn’t deserve it. I’ve been having panick attacks on and off since I found all this out. I’m in the middle of transitioning from one company to another, so that’s been weighing on me too because I like the team I’m currently on but I’m trying to better my career. I was doing it to have more time to visit my ex and the possibility of a better long-term career for us. Now idk if it was worth it and it’s too late to go back.
I know we weren’t technically together, but she had made it clear that we were monogamous. So I didn’t pursue or even try to meet anyone else, I didn’t try to sleep around or anything, etc.
You deserve a relationship that does not negatively impact your mental well-being.
This^
Its one thing yo have an open relationship when it’s agreed upon, but clearly you didn’t, and you were trying to work through issues between the two of you. It’s hard to rebuild that trust back after this. And it’s important for uou to be with someone that wants to help you be in a good mental head space.
This says so much about how to look at the situation, using so few words. Great perspective.
I could write a whole essay about how my ex used to make me feel the same way, and how breaking up was the best thing they ever did for me. But the version of me that was in that relationship, would have read all the advice to break up and would have rationalized why that wouldn’t work for me. OP has to decide for themselves to inflict the short term pain of a permanent breakup to be able to find happiness in the long-term.
For me it wouldn’t have felt right, because the only times I was happy in that relationship was when we were together. They only hurt me when we were apart. Breaking up didn’t seem like the solution, when just being together all the time seemed to be the solution. In hindsight, that was just codependency and was wildly unhealthy.
Nearly a decade later, I now know what a healthy relationship feels like. I’m so much happier than I ever would have been in that relationship. I hope OP can find the strength to move on and experience the same thing.
FYI, OP, it took years before I could think about my ex without it hurting. Rip the band-aid off, and the pain will eventually subside. If you stay in the relationship, it will always hurt like this because it is irreparably broken.
Have some self respect and move on from her. She has every right to have whatever relationships she wants, and it’s fine for you to not be ok with it. Go find your own thing now.
At this point we are back to FWB (monogamous),
That’s not a thing. You either seriously misunderstand the situation, or she’s telling you what you want to hear.
None of this is healthy, frankly for either of you.
I can barely eat or sleep now.
This says everything you need to know. This relationship is unhealthy for you.
move on.
You sound like a teenager. Stop making excuses for this failed relationship and cut ties with her. She lives 3 hours away and is fucking other dudes ffs. You should probably look into therapy as well with all the weird possessive shit strewn through that post.
I think you should probably cut ties, I’m seeing a fair number of subtle and not-so-subtle red flags in here. Hearing about your numbness feeling was particularly concerning.
I don’t think this relationship is going to help you fulfill your goals in life, and if that’s true, it makes it untenable.
Additionally, that was a big vent, and I think this is, overall, out of our pay grade. You may want to look into someone that is on an actual pay grade for these types of things. Just someone to listen and provide that outside perspective, you know? But not just one-offs, someone you can build a trustworthy professional relationship with. Someone you can count on. Because you’re paying their paycheck.
Throw the whole woman away
You’re in your 30s yet this is some absolute teenage bullshit. Move on and stop wasting your life.
Cut ties. She wants you to be there for her as a boyfriend, but doesn’t not want to be your girlfriend. Move on. Most likely, you don’t even know her, and she’s been pretending to be someone else with you to maintain your attention & affection. You don’t know who she is.
I’m sorry that happened, people can be cruel, especially if they can justify it to themselves. What you do now is your decision, but I think you would be justified to end the relationship. Long distance is hard enough without adding cheating.
At the same time driving three hours to see you every month is a lot of effort, its surprising she would do that while also cheating. Its a mindset that I will never understand.
Whatever you end up doing good luck, hopefully time helps you heal from this.
“Never Make Someone a Priority When You’re Only An Option”
I’m really sorry man, but it sounds like you’re just the backup plan. It sucks, but the most important thing to know here is that you deserve better.
Oof. But yes, too true.
Man, you’re clinging to what was, hyper focusing on unimportant details, trying to rationalize your way away from feeling however you are afraid you’re going to feel about this breakup.
You need to give yourself permission to move on, and then move on. Give yourself permission to take a reasonable amount of time and feel how you’re going to feel about it. Cry that shit out. Exercise. You’re still a kid.
Cut ties bro, she’s not going to stop cheating and she’s already lied to you about it. If you stay the thought will tickle your brain every time you need to trust her again and that shit will kill your soul. I lived like that for years trying to work things out and it’s better to just walk away.
Don’t kid yourself, it will happen again. Find someone who will return your honesty and compassion to you.
