My week has been great! A girl I’ve recently started seeing asked me to be her girlfriend, which made me wildly happy. I’ve never been somebody’s girlfriend before ☺️ We tripped on mushrooms and cuddled the night away, and things have been going really well so far since then!

Don’t like my beard hair. As I boymode 24/7.

I finally started to come to terms with being trans, and this week has basically been non-stop coming out to people, which has been kinda rough to say the least… My wife and I were married for 4 years and planning on kids, but she saw some clear signs and really made me introspect and finally come to this realization. She’s struggling hard and doesn’t know what to do, as she feels like she has to mourn the man she married and “doesn’t want a wife”.

She moved out on Monday, and we had separate Thanksgivings with friends and had to explain to friends and family what was going on. I have a phenomenal support network of friends who’ve been helping me through this, but my family is distraught beyond belief at what the future holds and feel absolutely blindsided by all of this. Which, to be fair, I’ve done a phenomenal job at hiding it, even from myself.

Even despite all this, I feel like I’ve never been happier, which almost makes it feel even worse at times knowing so I’ve hurt some of the people I love the most so much. It also just causes so much of that doubt to come rushing back in, that I’m “faking it”, and that things can “go back to normal”. I know it’s just a coping mechanism, and that rationally I have literally written pages of peer-reviewed journals with pretty clear “Here’s why you’re trans, dummy”, but goddamn if it doesn’t make the whole thing that much harder when those pangs of doubt come creeping back in and making it feel like I’m throwing my life away for nothing.

TL;DR it’s aight

It’s a wild ride. One moment I am in the shower, actually kinda happy with the progress 3 months of hrt have done so far and the next I am having a panix attack not knowing weather all of this is right for me or all in my head. This can happen like 5 to 6 times a day and it sucks. Overall tho I am living in a safe for now country and have a really solid relationship so whatever happens, I am at least not alone.

Transitioning kinda sucks, and there’s still a very long way to go. But every day I get more certain that I’m headed in the right direction, and I want more. Even if I am starting to look like my mom.

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Visiting home for the holidays. Mixed feelings.

My mood was basically under the floor for one day last week but my mother helped me get better by just being there. Those lower lows really hit hard when you reach them, but they are worth it for the higher highs. And I’m still busy with changing my name everywhere, there are only a few things missing thankfully like my phone contract or drivers license but those are all underway.

Edit: Oh and something my best friend told me really lifted my mood: Her mother was visiting her and saw a picture of me and all my friends at a Halloween party and pointed at me and asked my best friend: “And who is this woman?” That made my entire week.

My been strong, like bear

I had two friends get angry at me (in one case yelling at me, the other storming out of our get together) when I brought up the new regime’s plan to end affirming care and legal recognition for trans folks.

I’m kind of utterly floored - this is widely available information, and in both cases, they were completely dismissive and outright hostile. And both are folks I’ve known for a pretty long time. One is even a trans woman (albeit a rich Caitlyn Jenner type who is totally divorced from what most trans folks experience).

It was a really awful way to end the first vacation I’ve had in years. Icing on the cake is I’m also having some kind of allergic reaction and my face looks awful.