DISCLAIMER - I am not planning on fighting a pelican.
there’s a brown pelican that hangs out on the railing of a very narrow portion of a boardwalk nearby. the only reason it makes me nervous is because it’s huge, but their nails look short, and their beaks are pointed, but curved downwards so they would have to try to bite me with that long thing instead of pecking me.
like, if a bird capable of clawing or eating my eyes out attacked my face, I’d honestly have no qualms about killing it immediately. but if I ever get attacked by a pelican, it looks like I could just kind of hold it off without having to hurt it. am I right in that?
OP casually walks by pelicans and hears the Mortal Kombat music begin playing
Pelicanitiy!
Sometimes it’s really refreshing to read shit like this and take a break from all the doom posts. Thanks.
I actually have wrestled a bit with a pelican and can say that if you’re prepared to take a few scratches you’ll be able to hold one down. You just have to hold the beak and wings, once you’ve got it pinned their legs are too short to really get at you.
Admittedly the pelican in question wasn’t operating at full potential (recovering from a wound) but I was in my early teens at the time so wasn’t exactly an example of peak physical performance myself.
Alright, story time. How did it come to that? Just the typical youngster “wanted to check if I can?” vibe?
It was really just a matter of how to get a pelican to cooperate rather than it being aggressive or anything - they aren’t intelligent enough to figure out you aren’t going to eat them so will resist attempts be caught.
Dad and my sister were coming back from town one night and saw this pelican by the side of the road moving really awkwardly, so they pulled over to check it out and found it had a punctured lung (and a somewhat wonky beak, but that had healed from a previous injury). Best guess is someone wasn’t as good with a shotgun as they thought they were - being charitable there is a chance someone figured it would struggle with the beak, either that or they were an arsehole.
Anyway the pelican wasn’t up to anything much so they took it home, made up a comfy spot in a cardboard box, gave it some old painkillers, and expected to just give it an easier end than being eaten by whatever came across it that night. Next morning however when the box was opened the pelican was alive and kicking (literally) so we pinned it down and put it in part of the chook pen to recover. After a fortnight or so of hanging around eating bits of fish and scaring the daylights out of the chooks every time they saw it the pelican had healed up enough to be properly active again so we wrestled it down once more (took noticeably more effort this time) and bundled it into the car to release down at the dam.
Even wounded, I’m willing to believe the pelican just wanted to see if it could.
They love to size things up to see if they’ll fit in their mouth lol.
Why is this comment section full of people ridiculing the question in a community called “no stupid questions”? Like, isn’t the entire point here to be able to ask questions that you worry might be stupid without being ridiculed for it?
Every dedicated “ask <xyz-style> questions” community I’ve ever participated in has had a nonzero amount of users who seem to only show up to bitch and moan that, shock! people are asking <xyz-style> questions. I don’t get it either.
Real answer?
Don’t fight the pelican. The law is on their side, for one thing.
No I don’t think you could hold it away from you without hurting it or you. No I don’t think it has any intention of harming you, unless you are a fish. Walk on by, it will either just sit there or fly away.
Bird law in this country is not governed by reason.
lol, this is just a great sentence is a great post
you’re a great ape somewhere between 150 and 300 lbs. It’s a 15 pound bird. I’m sorry but this is embarrassing.
As a Canadian, have you ever met a Canada goose?
I feel you OP.
Also, telling someone they should be embarrassed because they are afraid or don’t want to fight is toxic, although I guess maybe you are joking?
well hold on, a Canada goose can get up to 14 lb easily, the brown pelican tops out at 6.9 lb, and doesn’t have a cobra neck so your only options aren’t attack the head & neck or do nothing.
like if there’s a group of kids around, I’d rather they go home with a story about how I got beaten up by a goose then the trauma of the memory of a pudgy middle-aged man smashing a goose’s head in front of them. I remember when I was like five and Animal Control had to come to my school and shoot a raccoon because they thought it had rabies, I got pretty emotional about that. heck, here I am talking about it more than 30 years later.
plus if anybody records it, no matter how much anybody acknowledges they don’t want to be bitten by a goose, I’m still going to be branded a heartless goose killer and probably doxxed. there’s a lot at play here
I’m not sure you meant to reply to me? I was just tryin to stick up for you against Johnny No-Posts.
I never advocated Bird Violence; I am Friend to Bird and had three bestie Steller’s Jays during the lockdown. They visited multiple times a day for nuts, and would wait for me on the patio.
oh, I wasn’t trying to be dickish about it, but I was pointing out that fighting a Canada goose is much different than fighting a pelican. a pelican, there seem to be multiple ways to hold it off without really hurting it, with a goose, the way they attack you can really only go for the head or neck which probably means you’re going to kill it.
I was very high at the time so the rest is pretty much rambling.
Ahh ok, clearly I need more weed!
I usually try to slip around geese, and if that fails I book it.
no, it’s literally embarrassing. But I’m from western canada, we worry about being attacked by bear not fucking chickens. People scared of fucking birds are determining federal gun laws, apparently. fucking pathetic.
I’m also from Fucktrudeauistan. Canadians older than 12 scared of geese are even more embarrassing than this question.
I’m a mediocre ape at best.
Bears will run from dogs knowing that the fight could leave them horribly maimed.
I’d run from the goose knowing that the fight would leave me horribly ashamed and embarrassed, and possibly maimed.
Unless they’re hungry.
Source: bear ate a dog near a cabin I was lodging at some years back. Hungry bears don’t give a fuck.
Geese in general also don’t give a fuck. Also, they don’t fight fair. Remember to protect your gonads.
Go try to eff with a goose if you think you’re so tough.
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Imagine being so insulated you believe the cobra chicken bullshit.
oh look, Johnny No-Posts has an opinion on somebody’s question in the No Stupid Questions community. I don’t go to the Pinochet fan groups and tell you that you can’t make helicopter memes, learn some basic internet etiquette.
“Johnny No-Posts” lmao
God forbid anyone ever sign up for a new to them content aggregation site. What else are you scared of? Squirrels? Rabbits? Ducks?
I’m suggesting that you try contributing to a community before being an asshole in it. the first rule that will help you there is reading the name of a community before being a dickwad.
I’m scared of needlessly hurting animals. I couldn’t have made that more plain. this isn’t reddit, you don’t just wade in insulting people over things you have no understanding of.
Somebody doesn’t understand. It’s you, though.
Does the pelican have a gun?
idk but in this neighborhood, probably
Do you have ready access to a banana?
no but I can print a picture of one
Pelicans are naturally offended by bananas, a printout might work but a pocket banana is a solid distraction technique so you can get it pinned.
they couldn’t be naturally offended by bananas, as what we recognize as a banana is completely man-made. they must be unnaturally offended by it, or we bred the banana in such a way that it looks exactly like something that used to be offended by
probably pelican dildos.
They’re offended by their existence as an abomination on the natural order of things, pelicans are extremely strict in their interpretation of scientific ethics and their adherence to it.
then why do they keep trying to eat things that are bigger than them
Pelicans have hollow bones. You’d be able to easily break it in half if there was a real fight.
The best way to fight is to prevent it from happening in the first place. I would recommend carrying an air horn or whistle and use the noise to scare it off.
I deal with a lot of unleashed dogs around here going after my dog so I’m already carrying pepper spray. it’s too bad avians are immune to it.
actually it’s not THAT bad. pepper spraying a seabird would probably end up with it drowning because it can’t see where it’s flying
I don’t know if he’d fuck you per se. But he might make sweet sweet love to you
Cue the Barry manilow
Who in the sweet fuck is boning to Barry Manilow?!
this person was obviously seeing your mother last night
She’s dead, so this only deepens my curiosity.
society as a whole has agreed that “yo momma” jokes are not actually about the other party’s mother. people like you who break that convention gets this
Ok so my experience comes from catching chickens and clawed ducks as a child, so assuming you’re a full grown adult, and this chart, the ratios are the same.
You gotta catch them from surprise, from the back, but it sounds like you’re already in the fight if shit goes down. The beak is your issue. The wings are just a distraction. Get the pelican bastard from the neck, as high as possible if you can and try to grab the legs. ChatGPT says they don’t really use their legs to fight, but worst case, start swinging it. I bet once you clamp on the beak, it’ll be hard for it to open. Like how alligators can chomp down, but have trouble opening. Once it’s subdued, it might stay freaked out for a while. You just gotta hold it until it accepts defeat.
Then take it to your mom and she’ll take the head and feathers off for dinner.
Best of luck brother.
What’s it going to do? Swallow you? Lmao. It can try. I don’t see how it can intentionaly hurt an actual human.
You can never plan to fight a pelican. It just happens. We’ve all been there.
I don’t live in a place that’s even remotely hospitable for pelicans but you’re right. It just kind of happens sometimes. Like a fact of life
it’s a long-standing tradition. all official pelican fights must be a surprise
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right punch the pelican in the face with another pelican. that’s how you win
I haven’t. Did I miss much?
I’ve been attached by geese though.
Emotionally or physically?
Rejection hurts 🤕
Not as much as geese bites. They’re vicious medium sized bastards.
*physical rejection 😔
DISCLAIMER - I am not planning on fighting a pelican.
I need this on a T-shirt.
Seriously, this is the best thing I have seen on the Internet in a long time. It’s like I’m in 2013 all over again. Lol.
You could get that printer on a T-Shirt very cheap online.
Probably better to pay more though as when I’ve done this with cheap ones they don’t last.
Good idea, though sadly I cannot afford that at the moment.
I thought the exact same thing when I read the title and first line. Post of the year.
it should be like “I’m not planning on fighting a pelican”
Nah, I like the original way more.
“I’m not planning on fighting a pelican” comes off as “well, I’m not planning on it, but it could happen”,
while “I’m not planning on fighting a pelican” comes off as almost a political statement: “Statement: I do not have plans to fight a pelican.” like a politician at a press release.
I feel the latter would confuse people more. Lol.
during the first women’s march I wore a shirt that said “nobody for president” and everybody loved it including the counterprotesters
Nothing blows my mind more then someone deciding that today theyre going to crawl out of bed and go counter protest people wanting equal rights.
Abe Simpson Voice “I’m a nobody!”
Pelicans have stupid stumpy little legs, basically no talons because they have webbed ducklike feet, and are able to apply very little biting force with their beaks due to the length. Pelicans feed by scooping things up and swallowing them whole. They don’t bite, tear, or chew. I’ve never seen one try to peck anything. They’re certainly not built for that.
If you grabbed a pelican by the beak I think there is vanishingly little it could actually do to you aside from squirming and flapping feathers all over the place. You should be fairly clear to yeet the thing into the ocean at your own convenience.
I left this open for a while and forgot what post I was reading when I returned, so I misread your first sentence as “politicians” rather than pelicans…
And lemme tell you, that was a quality chuckle.
I reread the post replacing “pelican” with “politician”. I haven’t laughed this much in weeks. Thank you.
I’ll gladly throw a politicican beak first, just point me in the right direction!
Haven’t seen it mentioned here, so a word to the wise: their beaks are somewhere sharp-edged, and if you were to grasp the beak and your hand were to slide lengthwise (towards or away from the tip), you could sustain a nasty cut.
Source: adolescent me harassing pelicans that were a lil too inquisitive about my days’ fishing catch on a dock somewhere near Cedar Key, FL.
good to know. was it like a bad, dirty paper cut?
It was precisely like a bad, dirty paper cut that stank of fish munge.
Tasty
Some real advice
Nice to hear Florida Man has a voice. You, sir are a legend :)
Hey fellow Keys guy! Grew up partly on Summerland Key
I’m gonna let everyone in on a lil secret.
You can absolutely fuck up a bird. Their bones are hollow and light, making them super kickable. Even a 4" human still has multiple feet of height over most species of bird, meaning you can wind up a solid kick and still probably send whatever beaked menace is after you flying. If it comes for your eyes or face, even your weakest punch will give it pause.
Now, defending yourself from a bird attack without harming the bird attacking you? Yeah that’s really hard, because most of your immediate reactions like trying to grab or restrain it will likely result in hurting the bird.
The image of a 4 inch tall human towering over a bird amuses me.
And where were they now The little people of Stonehenge And what would they say to us If we were here tonight
Except for swans… which are giant geese. Those two are very durable.
At least one person has died from being attacked by a swan while kayaking.
Realistically, if that person had no regard for the bird, they could’ve just grabbed it and strung it’s neck.
“Maybe he didn’t want to hurt the animal,” Hensley’s father-in-law, George Koutsogiannis, told the Sun-Times. “Maybe he didn’t fight back enough when the swan attacked him…I can’t understand how this was possible.”
A single swan can’t actually physically overpower a person, but people can panic and make bad choices, especially when in water and confronted with aggressive wildlife.
That’s why I specifically said ‘while kayaking’ but also I’ve cared for geese, roosters, and swans.
Ever been attacked by any of those animals? I have. Roosters are the worst. They have these sharp spikes on their legs that draw blood. I’ve kicked a rooster with everything i had because it was spurring me and going for my face. Itd didnt just die, thing kept coming at me. I kicked it several times without holding back and it just kept attacking. Took two people to catch it so i could get in my car. The rooster was fine. I was scratched to hell.
That rooster was small. Now imagine a goose or swan with the same attitude.
I’ve worked many farms and those birds don’t fuck around. If youre so confident by all means fuck around with those birds and find out. I won’t stop you.
Geese and swan don’t have anything sharp, and I’m sure had you wanted to, you could’ve grabbed the cock by the neck and wrung it without it being able to actually kill you.
Annoying and perhaps even need medical attention for scratches? Yeah. KILL YOU?
Nah.
I think you’re misunderstanding me here.
The way birds attack is basically the embodiment of chaos. Grabbing a flapping, sqwaking, incredibly fast and pissed off bird isn’t easy, near impossible. I wanted to snap that roosters neck, and tried to grab his fucking legs as they coming at me. Needed help that day lol
I used to have to catch these bastards and put them in the coop every night. It was my least favorite part of the job. The hens were a delight, loved them. Roosters and geese can fuck off though.
Sure, one might not kill you, but add in a body of water, slick mud, obstacles(things geese and swans are around frequently) ect and someone can definitely get very injured or die because they got knocked over and hit their head or whatever. Plus they’re really goddamn aggressive and that can surprise people.
Exercise caution, and don’t underestimate them my friend.
Sure, one might not kill you
My point exactly, mister bird expert.
someone can definitely get very injured or die because they got knocked over and hit their head or whatever
That can happen literally anywhere, anytime, to anyone, with no influence from any sort of avian.
If you wish to be careless around aggressive birds go ahead.
I’m advising caution for reasonable folks who actually wish to minimize injury to themselves and don’t get a hit of dopamine from being deliberately contrarian online.
Enjoy your day my friend! Hope you got your fix.
I also wouldn’t fuck with Turkeys. The wild ones are smart enough to actually try to get the hell away from you. The domestic ones are the stupidest fucking animals on the planet, and unlike sheep, they are MEAN. If they think they have a chance to take you, they’ll get the whole damn flock to dogpile you till you start throwing these 20-30 pound birds.
I had an incredibly aggressiveale duck that would come after me all the time. He was big, like 20lbs at least, and I’d kick him in the chest with the side ofy foot when he came at me all angry like. His chest was the meatiest part of him, so I wasn’t worried about damaging him with kinda wimpy kicks. Bastard became soup real quickly, though. Overly aggressive birds in my flock don’t get the privilege of being pets.
I too have a chicken-kicking story. Posting now so’s I’ll remember to write it out later.
did you know that one of the reasons their bones are hollow is because they assist the lungs with intaking oxygen to provide all the oxygen needed for flight? it’s not just weight saving
TIL, that’s really neat.
Now do Canada Goose.
Canadian Geese are how I got this experience, I used to live in a town that they regularly migrated through and got into two scraps with them in my youth. They’re one of the few birds that I have zero sympathy fucking up, because both times they tried to attack me, I was just trying to quickly get through their territory with my lunch.
If you’re ever attacked by one, aim for center mass and give it as much force as you can. I’ve never had geese swarm me after seeing one of their comrades get obliterated.
What about a horse sized duck?
