Not being a conversational person.
I don’t do small talk very well and I very quickly run put of things to say to someone I don’t know so I don’t like to just talk rubbish with someone, I prefer to remain quiet and get on with what I am doing.
I don’t mean that the person isn’t worth talking to or I don’t like them, if they need something from me or have a question then I’ll galdly answer or help them, but almost everyone takes it as a slight against them when i dont want to engage in idle chit chat and assume I’m an arsehole when I’m really not trying to be.
As an autistic person I love interacting with people like you.
The fact that they have a record.
Look for a pattern, not a single instance. And yet companies and people hold bad decisions of the past against most folks.
Same goes for having no record, aka the famous gap in a resume. It’s not really about being perceived as a dick, but the same applies nonetheless.
Setting up boundaries.
Massive one. People automatically assume those who have defined areas that others are not allowed to access (ie personal/physical contact, topics of communication, literal areas they restrict in their home, etc) are prudish and being willfully obstinate for unfounded reasons, without considering why these boundaries are set in the first place.
The second you inconvenience someone, they assume you’re the problem.
Running for or holding an elected office. Yes, there are plenty of of scumbags in politics, but there are people who run for good reasons.
Asking a dog owner to use their leash rather than letting their dog walk up to you or your kids.
I turn the question around… people who are clearly liars, deceivers… politicians and businessmen that people line up to vote for with their money or public votes. You really wonder what people think an “asshole” is when you see the kind of politicians that get massive support in a population - to a point people have their photograph on the wall of their workplace or home, put stickers on their cars, etc. to support people that are clearly monstrous. A lot of people do not seem to like to study the crowds of Europe 1930’s terrible leaders and just how many lined up to cheer on such persons.
The scientists a person believes also is a huge indicator of who they consider to be an ‘asshole’. Just passively listening to people who support denial of climate change, denial of microscopic germs and virus, etc. The enthusiasm that followers to non-factual science seem to be very high, and they draw crowds in ways that fact-based science does not seem to do.
Offering a concise answer to questions, without softening language.
“I’m just asking questions.” Could be a child, could be a moon-landing conspiracy person.
Could be someone who’s genuinely trying to understand someone’s viewpoint, but it reveals inconsistencies in the other person’s logic, so they get irritated.
Being bluntly honest. People who are neurodivergent can struggle with being “politely dishonest” and can tell you what they think in a very blunt manner without meaning to offend.
Not engaging in small talk. Again, people who are neurodivergent tend to prefer talking about things that fascinate them and can have a hard time understanding the point of talking about just whatever.
Struggling with being on time, struggling to focus on someone or something, struggling with eye contact. In general, neurodivergent traits tend to be seen as “asshole behavior” because they are abnormal and don’t conform to society. People who aren’t normal tend to be viewed as assholes because how dare they inconvenience me by being different.
Source: personal experience as well as listening to the experiences of others. I’ve been hit with all these things at least once and accused of being an asshole, aloof, and/or self-centered.
I find that struggling to be on time is fine, actually not being on time is disrespectful of my time. In modern society we have so many options available to make sure we can keep on time. Set up alarms, time how long it takes you to get dressed and out the door, time how long it takes you to get somewhere, set alarms to keep you on time based on what you’ve actually measured, not what one “feels” is enough time.
Personally I’m more often than not 5+ minutes early; I can always wait a little more before I go in or something, it’s often harder to “just get there faster”.
BTW; if someone is late because of something outside their control that’s fine; just make sure to inform me ASAP.
Unrequested advice. Sometimes it is warranted after all.
I tell people this all the time. But I have to. It’s like… If I don’t, I won’t know if I’m still real.
I was on the train once headed into the city. A dude getting off the train looks me dead in the eye and says “never trust unsolicited advice” and then stepped through the door.
That was it. That was the entire interaction. Completely blew my mind. I did ultimately decide it was legitimate advice. But still, it was wild being told not to trust the advice I was receiving.
The fun thing about that is the dude gave you paradoxical advice. If you take theiradvice and don’t trust unsolicited advice, then you are trusting unsolicited advice. If you don’t take their advice then you are following their advice by not trusting unsolicited advice.
Right? It’s why it blew my goddamn mind. I wonder if someone dropped that bomb on him the same way a long time ago and now I’m supposed to pay it forward
Parking in a handicapped parking spot and having no visible disability.
Being late to something.
That really depends on if it’s an exception or a consistent pattern.
Not really. Almost nobody sets out trying to be late.
But if you’re constantly late it means that you don’t care about wasting other people’s time… Kinda assholeish
Is that different to not trying to be on time?
No, almost all of us are trying to be on time. But that’s balanced by other concerns, like making sure we leave the house prepared, and taking public transit, and the needs of the people we’re leaving as well as the people we’re going to. There isn’t always an “earlier” we can leave by, and not everyone is in charge of their own schedule.
None of what you’re describing is “not trying to be on time”.
You’re describing an “all” situation using very specific events. You’re also describing a poorly planned arrangement if the time you’re expected to arrive at something is not realistic for you to be there. That’s different to someone not trying to be on time to something that they otherwise could be and aren’t.
Well, youd be surprised… I definitely know people that leave the house past the time they were supposed to be somewhere with a nonchalant attitude “theyll wait, its nbd”
Someone stating their opinion.
Worst is stating an opinion to a group of people that all disagree. It doesn’t matter whether you have good arguments or not, what matters most is whether they respect you.
Well for one, I wish I could tell people no when they ask me to social events without being interpreted as an asshole
“I’d love to, but unfortunately I am busy tonight.”
Still kinda rude. You have to at least imply you’ll try to swing by for a short time, as a bare minimum.
Honestly, in a situation like this, I don’t care. If I’m busy, I’m busy. And if politely telling them that is seen as rude, it’s not me who’s the problem.
But if you have no intention to then you’re just lying and now you’re actually being an asshole instead of just being thought to be one
I don’t know anyone who doesn’t understand the concept of “I’m busy tonight.” Nor have I ever heard of someone thinking it’s rude to not always be available.
Being female …
edit: ahh I can see the misogyny came over to lemmy from reddit. that sucks.
